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Suicide: Grappling With the Unimaginable
Four years ago the world lost a beautiful, creative, brilliant young girl who touched and forever changed my life.
Her senior year in high school, as the student assistant director, she’d been an important driving force behind our spring musical’s success and such an incredible help to me. She set a new standard for how effective, given the opportunity, student leadership at our school could be.
I saw her only twice after she graduated. We kept in touch online and she seemed to be doing well in college but then suddenly she was gone.
The death of Robin Williams brought back all the pain and grief I experienced back then.
I’ve felt the need to write about this for quite some time; particularly in the past week. (Her birthday.) Knowing the right words to say is another story.
Grappling with the unimaginable.
As a writer, I want to tell stories to share with readers about topics and events that have had an impact on my life. As a writer, it’s extremely difficult not to romanticize, in an effort to engage an audience.
I don’t want to romanticize this topic.
The fact is, suicide is not a solution. All it does is magnifies the pain and sadness, transferring it on to other people.
In 2011, someone in the United States died by suicide every 13 minutes.
It was the 10th leading cause of death with 39,518 reported suicides in the U.S. According to the World Heath Organization, there are over 800,000 deaths by suicide, globally, each year.
i found a list published by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention that they have asked all media and writers on the topic to share:
DO:
- DO include links to treatment services, warning signs, and suicide hotline (1-800-273-TALK (8255).
- DO include stories of hope.
- DO monitor comment sections to identify hurtful statements, or people expressing suicidal thoughts.
- DO contact an expert on suicide to get the facts.
- DO report suicide as a health issue.
AVOID:
- AVOID showing videos or photos of the method or location used.
- AVOID framing suicide in terms of success: do not say committed suicide; do not say suicide attempts are successful or failed. Instead say died by suicide.
- AVOID romanticizing the death.
- AVOID describing suicide rates as skyrocketing, or as an epidemic, or other strong terms.
- AVOID publishing text from a suicide note.
- AVOID quoting police or first responders.
- AVOID describing a suicide as inexplicable or without warning.
I realized after reading this list, that telling my story really wouldn’t really help anyone. If anything, I could risk trivializing or making an antidote out of a tragic event.
For the survivors of suicide, the long lasting effects can leave them immobilized. Grief, depression, helplessness, anger and guilt are often experienced and difficult to overcome.
Do you know what I really hate? I hate the stigma attached to the following terms: mental illness, mental disorder and mental health.
There is a common accepted belief that you are either normal or mentally ill. I find this extremely offense and inaccurate.
What is normal? In all of humanity, no two people are, or have ever been, exactly alike. So how can we define anyone society as normal?
Not only do we all look, think and feel differently; we also experience different sets of circumstances and react to them differently.
Normal tends to insinuate that there are people that are superior and mentally more healthy than others. It creates a stigma against people that live within any extremes. The need to define or classify us all leads some people to feel marked, separate and extremely alone.
Grappling with suicide: trying to understand or accept, is a long. difficult journey. Searching for answers that don’t exist is incomprehensible.
Here is a list of resources that might be helpful for understanding and coping with suicide and depression:
Give Me A Freak
We may soon lose the acceptable use of the word freak from our vocabulary, if the trending concern over its renewed popularity continues to grow.
As pop culture sees entertainment revisiting the bygone, sideshow days; some people are starting to worry that the use of the word will return as a popular hate slur. On television, American Horror Story: Freak Show, and on Broadway, the revival of the musical, Side Show, explore a long forgotten form of entertainment: the exploitation of people with physical deformities.
Is there really something to be concerned about here? Both of the above mentioned stories, while enticing with the oddities, move beyond, to explore the desires for ‘normal’ human feeling and existence. The message seems to be that the freaks are just like us. In some way, shape or form, we are all freaks.
From the musical TABOO
Give me a freak
Any day of the week
I’m comfortable with those you call demented
Give me a freak
Not someone meek
With space between their ears that can be rented
I like noise
Aggressive boys
Hookers, thieves and queers and those confused
If you knew
What I knew
You’d be a freak too!Music & Lyrics by Boy George
Over time we’ve had freaky Fridays, we’ve freaked out and we’ve gotten our freak on. For a time, there was a freak movement in the club scene. If we lose the word, is there a better one to replace it?
Freak can mean a genetic abnormality, deformity, to get stressed out and upset, to be weird, to be different from the social norms, etc. The word as it is most used today is slang. Words can be used innocently for descriptive purposes or to spew hate in the form of negative stereotypes or threatening in nature.
Why are we allowing the use of a word to build fear instead of conquering it? Gays reclaimed the word ‘queer’ in the 90’s and though it is still used as a hateful slur, it has lost much of its power.
A word is just a word until you put intention, inflection and the way it is received into play.
To borrow from the NRA:
Words don’t hurt people, People hurt people.
I don’t believe banning words or making them social unacceptable is going to solve the real problem.
Crazy Cat Talk
I’ve spent so much time focusing on our Boxers, Cash and particularly, Belle lately; I figured Collins needed some public attention.
Collins, named after Tom Collins in Rent, is probably the friendliest cats I’ve ever known. He’s even friendly without reservation, with strangers. He will make himself scarce at parties though, usually, to reappear as it starts to wind down to check things out.
Collins
Collins is a huge talker. He will Meooooow and Grrrreooooow continuously if he wants attention. Sometimes he’ll follow me around the house talking to me, especially if I haven’t spent time with him on my lap first thing in the morning. He’ll rub up against me or whatever is nearby (the sign of marking his territory) and a few quick pets or strokes are never enough.
He greets me every morning and follows me, talking to me non-stop, while I make coffee and every night, follows me, meowing, all the way up the stairs.
Collins loves to sit on my lap and nuzzle and purr, or snuggled against my side. His purring can be quite loud at times. His desired daily routine seems to be starting and ending the day on, or next to me. The rest of the day he could be anywhere in the house. He just wants his me time.
He loves to give kisses. Cats usually kiss by nose or forehead bumping but Collins prefers to lick my lips. I know, some people will think that’s gross but my dogs do the same thing too… and I kiss them back.
We keep food out for him at all times, refilling his bowl as needed. One of Collins’ funny little traits is that he likes to have his food fluffed. That’s right, sometimes he’ll find me and talk until I follow him to his food bowl. I either shake it or stir the pieces of dry kibble up with my fingers… and he prefers it to be in a mound. As soon as I do that, he’ll stop his chatter, often only eating a piece or two and then jumping back down and he’s off on his own.
I made the mistake of letting him try people food. Well, some he he tried himself. He likes– wait, he loves whipped cream, ice cream, chicken, hamburger and melted cheese. I can’t eat any of them without Collins begging; talking and talking until he gets a taste. Oddly though, he will not eat wet or moist cat food or treats, only dry.
I’ve never heard him howl or yowl, like some cats, even when Belle is pursuing him.
I caught several programs on Animal Planet this weekend dealing with rescues and socializing animals and realized I’d never really looked into cat language or cat talk in all the years I’ve had them.
I guess I’ve always just taken their form of communication for granted.
I learned that you really have to watch their full body language to gauge how they are feeling.
What made me especially curious was how Collins and Belle interact. At first, I worried that they often look like they were fighting. (Actually, Belle taunting and teasing Collins and him defending himself.) But, after doing some research, I’ve come to the conclusion that they are mostly just playing and getting to know each other.
Belle at 8 weeks and Collins at 11 yrs old.
When Belle approaches Collins calm and gentle, Collins will poke his head forward and bump (kiss) Belle on the nose. When Belle is all wound up, Collins usually still lets her sniff, no matter what Belle’s energy level is at the moment. If Belle starts bouncing or making short lunges or boxing him, Collins will usually give her a drawn out meoooooow, a hiss or bat (box) back at her.
According to the different sites I checked out, Collins doesn’t exhibit the typical behavior of a cat in fear or annoyance. I try to watch his body language and he may exhibit one or two traits– but not multiple signs of fear or aggression.
Though Collins frequently uses his tail language to express happiness or contentment, and occasionally (with me) irritation; he seldom uses it at all to show irritation with Belle.
Same with his ears. Cats use them to show fear, aggression, pleasure and curiosity. When they feel threatened or in defense mode, cats will often flatten there ears or pull them back against their head. I’ve seen Collins do this before but not in recent memory and not with Belle.
When he’s in the mood to play, Collins loves to hide and jump out and bat at Belle. Then he usually retreats because he knows after the initial surprise, Belle will be on his tail… or sometimes his back. Several times in the past week, Belle will stalk Collins and then trap him; laying right down on him. It’s really funny to watch as Collins meows and wriggles out from under her.
Collins chowing down on chia grass.
You know the saying goes, Some things are just meant to be. The same is true with Collins. He adopted us, out of the blue one December. He wandered into our yard that day and didn’t leave, so we finally brought him in out of the cold.
Whether any of the rest of us accept it or not– Collins is the king of this house.
Don’t believe me? Ask him— He’ll be happy to talk about it for hours.
Public Education Is ‘Dumbing Down’ America
We don’t need to know how to spell, calculate simple math equations, write in cursive or expand our vocabulary, do we? We have computers. If education in America continues on its current track, students will be reduced to nothing more than computer operators with limited thinking skills and the inability to function without them. The evolution of the brain and our abilities to think and communicate are being thwarted by a system that seeks to create a society with restricted measurable skills, in affect, dumbing down individual potential.
Powerful leaders through history have known that if you can control how and what people think, you can control the masses. Programs like No Child Left Behind and now, Common Core strive to produce group results not successful individuals.
Why do you think there is such a great importance on standardized testing? The public is led to believe that it is to provide concrete proof of learning (or lack thereof) and guide educators to improve student performance. Face the fact: Testing only measures a very limited, specific result. It does not measure thinking skills, creative problem-solving and is not an honest indicator of a learning disability or poor educational environment.
The goal of our current public education system is to limit students’ abilities to be creative in both their thinking and problem-solving skills, restricting their knowledge base and reducing their abilities to explore their unique individuality.
Don’t blame the teachers. Their hands have been tied for years. Look to the leadership. Ultimately, the road map is being sent down from the state and federal levels.
But, that’s just the way I see it.
Blind Hate
I’ll never understand what causes people to become so enraged and be so hateful.
Believe it or not, everyone was not born to hate and everyone was not born a hateable stereotype.
Where does hate come from? Is it jealousy? Partiality? Being disrespected? Envy? Ignorance? Or is hate purely based in fear?
At what point did hate become the acceptable alternative to loving all mankind?
Hate is an extreme, passionate emotion, just like love. Are we strictly taught to hate? In the process, do many people even bother to think about it logically and try to discover the origin of it in their own lives?
All hate doesn’t evolve into violence. All hate does affect behavior and the treatment of others. Sometimes the vehemently caustic words so easily expressed by some, are more damaging than actual physical violence enacted by others.
We often see hate expressed violently in correlation to religion, race, politics and class. At what point did these groups become nothing more than targeted and often, victimized stereotypes? Granted, it’s much easier to hate a group than it is to hate an individual. It certainly saves time. If someone really wants to live in an isolated bubble then hating, by definition is a simple solution. Why waste time getting to know people as individuals?
Hate+ Isolation= An Ignorant, Fear-Filled Life
In social media, you see so many people expressing feelings, judging others and many times probably not even realizing, that what they are doing is hurtful. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. People really need to realize that the way they express their opinions can come across as hateful and hurtful to others; even if it is unintentional. I completely defend everyone’s right to freedom of speech and practice it myself, frequently. But, I believe there is more danger in the words of those– that unknowingly, express hatred towards others than those that side with, and identify with openly defined hate groups.
Politics is one of the most visible arenas for acceptable expressions of hate. Parties disagree. We all understand that. Threats and total disregard for another viewpoint without any credible validation? Unacceptable.
It’s an election year and we have candidates perpetuating hate on both sides. In effect, what I hear from politicians is quite often the exact same accusations and promises, twisted to their benefit, according to what they think the public wants to hear. Or, at least enough people to get them elected.
Politicians are hypocrites and thrive on contradiction. Politics has become a game of hate. Who hates whom more?
In a game, there is a winner and a loser.
In a game of hate, no one wins and everyone loses.
Isn’t it the same with every other aspect of our society? Instead of hating others because of their differences, how about some meaningful discussions about how we can all get along and come to some concrete, acceptable solutions? Does loving one another no longer exist? How about some education and acceptance?
But that would take time and effort. People might be required to step out of the safety of their bubble….
It’s much easier to just hate.
Exercise Your Right: VOTE!
Mid Term Elections– not important? Wrong! There are many important elections and ballot initiatives this cycle, happening all over the country.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014 is an important day. Many communities have early voting for those that find it difficult to make it to the polls on the 4th. Locally, early voting is possible at multiple locations, seven days a week.
We’re all pretty tired of the constant negative campaign commercials. But it’s almost over!
No matter what side of the aisle you support, please make sure your voice is heard and VOTE!
Whatever you do, don’t accept the lame attack ads as the truth. Attack ads spin facts and take quotes out of context.
Take just a few moments and educate yourself before you head to your polling place.
Don’t vote based on fear…. vote based on fact!
It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like….
No, I’m not going to say the big “C” word, although it is coming quick. And, no, I haven’t started decorating the house either.
It’s beginning to look a lot like… Here’s your chance to fill in the blanks!
I am participating in National November Writing Month and I’m hoping I can get at least 30 people to help! Be my muse!
I’m actually participating on two levels this year. I’ll be attempting to write a blog post every day for the month of November and writing a complete novel in a month.
Pretty crazy, huh?
What I Need
I’m looking for at least 30 people (30 days in November) to act as my muse and contribute a person, place and a thing that I will have to incorporate in my story as it develops. You can contribute either by leaving your suggestions here in the comment section, or on Facebook in the comment section linking to this post.
Person– This could be a first name or full fictional name. Help me name my characters!
Place– This is pretty open, be creative. Avoid countries. Fictional businesses, towns, rooms, settings, etc.
Thing– Could be an item, emotion or an action (i.e.- a saw, insanity or kidnapping). No Brand names of items please.
I’ll use everything that is submitted, some way, some how in the story. This will be a work of fiction but not fantasy or Sci Fi so avoid suggestions that might only work in those genres.
I’ll also accept suggestions of topics for future blog posts.
What It Is
National Writing Month was created as a way to challenge writers to complete a project, to network, and to publicize their work.
In a nutshell, the goal is to write every day for the whole month of November.
In the novel challenge, you should have a complete novel by the end of the month; and for the blog challenge, you should have published 30 new blog posts.
If you are interested in participating (writing) yourself, you can find out more at NaNoWriMo for writing a novel; and NaBloPoMo for the blogging challenge. It’s free to sign up and there are plenty of resources to get the creative juices flowing.
Watch It Grow
1) My Blog: Watch for new blog posts each day during the month of November. I’ll write about a wide variety of topics, maybe post photos, and share some of my favorite things. The best way to follow my progress is to sign up to follow me using the link in the right column of this blog.
2) The Novel: I’m totally relying on you to steer the direction of my novel. I haven’t decided if I’m going to post updates daily through my blog– but in the end, I’ll be sharing my finished product that you can help me create. It will not be SCI-FI or Fantasy, I’m just not familiar enough with those genres. I’m going to start with general fiction and see where it goes… could be a mystery or even a romance. Maybe both. We’ll have to wait and see how you inspire me!
Priority for inclusion will go to people that submit to me by November 1st. Let’s get started!
Remembering 9/11
Every year on this date I take time to remember, grieve, celebrate and honor the many heroes and those that lost their lives on September 11th, 2001. Thirteen years have flown by but the wounds are deep. 2,977 innocent people died on that day and they, as well as their families deserve to be remembered.
In addition, more than 1,400 first responders have also died since 9/11. There are many more that are sick and suffering.
I think it’s important on this day of remembrance to also remember the heroic men and women that have served our country and those that gave their lives in the days since 9/11 to protect our freedoms. To date, more than 8,000 American and Allied soldiers have died in post-9/11 wars.
A close up of the Last Column.
How will you remember this tragic and historic day?
Here is a link to a list of ways you might participate in the National Day of Service and Remembrance.
The photographs I’m sharing here are images I took on the official opening day of the museum at the National September 11 Memorial and Museum in New York City on May 21, 2014.
You can see more images I shot that day by clicking here.
Even as the buildings collapsed, the slurry wall held back the water that would have flooded Lower Manhattan.
Tridents recovered from Ground Zero.
Ladder 3.
A lot has changed in our world since then. Some good, some bad. I can honestly say I don’t feel any safer today than I did immediately after the attacks. I will say though, that I think America needs to be very cautious and not let fear and hate win over reason when it comes to national security and our place in the world. War does not equal justice and war does not always protect us in the way it is intended.
In today’s world, it makes us a bigger target.
I miss the unity I felt in the days and months after 9/11. We came together as a nation then. With all that is happening in this country and around the world, we need that now more than ever.
Behind this wall lie the unidentified remains of many that perished on 9/11/01.
Facebook Messenger: Are You Being Watched? What’s the Hype?
There’s been a lot of talk and concern over the past week about the new User Agreement for the Facebook Messenger app that some feel they are being forced to use. How much of it is actually hype?
Let’s cut to the chase: Are you being watched? The answer is YES!
If you use a computer, cell phone (it doesn’t have to be a smartphone!), book reader (such as a Kindle) or other communication device– Your every move is being tracked. Who you talk to, text, where you are located, websites you visit, what you buy online… all of it is being tracked and is stored on computers somewhere. Law enforcement is increasingly using such tracking to assist in solving crimes.
So what’s the big deal about the permissions required by the Facebook Messenger app? Well maybe, if nothing else, it’s a reality check for so many of us that use technology with blind faith. Most of us don’t read user agreements and some would be quite surprised at the permissions thy are giving devices and apps. Doing so, doesn’t mean that any normal privacy issues will be violated but the possibility of a breach is real and should be taken into consideration.
Agreeing to and installing Facebook Messenger does not mean your every move is going to be recorded and broadcast from your phone. You have to agree to certain provisions just so you can use the technology. If you want the ability to share pictures and contact people then you have to give the app the permission to share those pics (on your behalf) and make those connections. It doesn’t mean a third party is spying on you. But is it possible? Sure it is. Unlikely, but possible.
To better understand this issue, I highly recommend you reading the article on the www.snopes.com website. As opposed to me rehashing all the concerns here, you can view them in a well thought out outline on the site. It gives you a balanced look at the concerns, the reality and the possible consequences of using the Facebook Messenger app. More important, it points out the fact that most of us have given far greater permissions through use of our apps and devices than those being requested here.
I polled friends on Facebook to see how many were using or deleting the FM phone app and the results were split. Twenty-eight people responded and more than half said they would continue to use the app, though some felt forced to use it and some had concerns over the privacy issues they were taking. Some said they would only use the online messenger built into the Facebook site and others were deleting the app because they felt too exposed.
If anyone is truly concerned about what is being unintentionally shared, a bigger concern should be your browser and email provider. Registered Google users should know by now that the websites you visit, your email, your contacts and personal information are all scanned and searched for keywords and then recommendations made, advertising targeted and information shared without your intentional permission.
In some cases, the only way to avoid these invasions are to avoid particularly aggressive developers as much as possible. Free isn’t free. Google survives on selling your information and on referrals it makes based on your account. Your free email account, for them, is a marketer’s dream.
We all have, or should have privacy concerns, especially regarding our personal and financial information. Identity theft and the security of our financial information should be our top priority. This is not in question here. What we have to keep in mind, especially regarding social networking, email and messaging, is that there are legitimate risks to take into consideration.
If you don’t want to share your life as an open book, you really need to actively investigate what you post and share and check any ability you have to limit who views it. Anything you share electronically, even in private conversation, is subject to be shared beyond your control. I’m not even referring to being hacked or having your information used by the app or device developer. The person you are communicating with, could, without your permission, share your pictures, comments or information with someone else.
For instance, a private comment you make to a friend about another person electronically, could be shared by the recipient,with that person, without your permission. Think before you post. If you don’t want your employer to know what you are doing when you are away from work… don’t post it publicly online. It’s that simple. I’ve caught many people in half-truths by looking at their online activities.
I’m constantly amazed by some of the things I’ve seen people post, not imagining that there could be a controversy or some unintentional fallout. Your online persona does matter. There are privacy settings with many apps and devices that can limit who can actually see what you post— BUT you can’t prevent the recipient (friends) from sharing with a third party.
As technology advances and we take advantage of our connectivity, our lives become more and more transparent. If, for what ever reason you need, or want, to maintain a high level of privacy– avoid all forms of social networking. Know the risks, be informed and make the decisions that are best for you.
Is there some big conspiracy by Facebook to use their messenger app for covert activity? Very doubtful– but you can never be too careful.
The bottom line is that Facebook Messenger is as safe to use as most every other app you are already using. I’ve been using it for quite some time now and have yet to experience any drawbacks or bad experiences with it. As Facebook becomes more and more about advertising dollars and less about connecting with friends, it makes messenger more valuable as a connecting tool than the Facebook site (or app) itself.
But just wait, soon enough you’ll be marketed to on messenger as well.
Learning Patience
One of the hardest things in life is waiting.
As children it seemed like we had to wait for absolutely everything– from birthdays, Christmas, vacation… even sometimes just to go outside. We counted down the weeks, days or minutes until that magical moment finally arrived. Of course, we drove everyone nuts in the process.
When we don’t learn patience as children, it’s even harder to practice in our adult lives.
Continuing from my post yesterday about our house, there is a lot to learn about patience here. First, it’s really a good rule of thumb to live in a home for a while before you make any major decisions. Rush a project and you may not end up with what you really need in the long run. Renovation takes time. Time requires patience.
To be perfectly honest, it probably took me ten years here before I didn’t feel the desperate need to spend every possible free minute working on the yard and the house. It became my excuse for everything. In the meantime, the rest of life gets ignored, friends are put on hold and the obsession gets out of control. Sooner or later you learn that it doesn’t all have to be done now. Projects will wait. They’ll always be there when you come back to them.
Looking down on part of the figure eight, 2005.
We have a figure eight sidewalk on the east side of our house that the first time we saw it, screamed to be planted as a formal garden. Some random tulips and extremely invasive Trumpet Vine was all that was really growing there; and to one side, old overgrown shrubs. I envisioned what I wanted to do there early on but had to wait until I knew I had time to complete the project. I think I may have even started to transplant some of the old shrubs, previously, but I didn’t get too far.
Prepping to plant, 2006.
Finally in 2006, I was determined to get the job done. I prepped the area and shopped for plants, ultimately deciding to do the sculpted hedge out of Boxwoods. I found a single, good-sized plant costs $35-50 each, a medium size was around $25 but I settled for the young smaller plants for about $5 each. I needed 75 to 100!
I’d just have to be patient and wait for them to grow.
Part of the broken branches from the Ginko tree on top of the figure eight, 2006.
I got the plants and spent a lot of time doing the final prep of the area.
No sooner than I started planting, we had a massive wind and hail storm that among other things, brought down nearly a quarter of the branches from our 100 year old Ginkgo tree.
Where did the largest branch fall? Right on the figure eight! The storm was so bad, many neighboring houses and businesses had to have new roofs and many area trees were down.
I couldn’t believe it!
Not only did this set me back another week, now we were afraid we might loose our enormous Ginkgo tree that is as tall as our house and shades much of the side yard.
Happily, after careful, professional pruning and clean up, it survived. I went on with my project and managed to get it planted before Fall.
Figure eight, one year after planting. (2007)
Every Spring since then, I’ve hoped it would finally be the year that everything would finally have grown enough to fulfill my original vision. Over time, some plants died and were replaced, lots and lots of weeding has gone on and I’ve continued to add and subtract plants that surround the figure eight trying to reach my original goal. The Boxwoods were so small when I planted them, it was a few years before I could do any real pruning and shaping at all.
It’s required a lot patience–eight years of waiting, to be exact– but finally I have the basic look I had hoped to achieve when I first started.
Was it worth it? Absolutely! I was pretty patient with it too. Anxious, maybe– but pretty patient. Once it was planted I knew it was mostly out of my hands and I had no choice but to wait. Plus, watching it grow and slowly sculpting it has given me a sense of achievement I’m not sure I would have had if we had spent a fortune buy full grown shrubs and not had to wait as long.
The figure eight at 321 Division Street, 2014.
I use this as an example of patience because today, as humans, we are so programmed to want everything now. No one is willing to wait for the right job, partner or situation to come into our lives and know it is right. In the process, lots of quick, bad decisions are made, lots of money is wasted and relationships, without the test of time, fail to meet our original expectations. Some people never learn and repeat the process over and over again their entire lives.
All any of us really need is a little patience.
How Do You Measure 525600 Minutes? 