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I’m Finally Admitting It… I’m A Prophet

Jeff Linamen

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How many people are planning their lives around the end of the world December 21, 2012? Did you take your umbrella with you today because a man on TV told you to? Did you sell your house and give all your earthly possessions to a TV evangelist? Well, in a world full of forecasts and prophecies, I’m finally coming out… I, too… am a prophet.

The end of the world. Astrologer Nostradamus has predicted it, the Mayan calendar predicts it… or does it? Even the most educated scholars on the subject say you can’t really give credit to any of these predictions until after they’ve happened. So what good are they? They exist primarily to create fear.

Not even 24 hours after the 9/11 attacks on America, email was circulating claiming it was another fulfilled prophecy of Nostradamus. There were at least three or four variations of the quoted prophecy, all of which turned out to be fake. One was even claimed to have been written 100 years after his death. All about creating fear.

I don’t really know if a comet is headed our way… or Nibiru (Planet X)… I do know that worrying will do us no good. We’ll have to wait and see. And will it rain or snow or be overcast? You can’t even depend on meteorologists to get it right. There are some things that can be predicted… There will be weather.

So now its time for me to finally reveal my prophetic skills… My intentions are not really to scare and shock anyone… I just feel my calling to share my cosmic abilities with the world…

 

My Predictions for the Coming Year

1) I predict that governments will raise taxes ( and/or create new ones) in the coming 12 months.

2) I predict a child will be left behind.

3) I predict HGTV will reveal a new series all about square footage and granite counter tops.

4) I predict around the middle of April, most Americans will experience a sudden shock to their bank accounts. (April 15th to be precise.

5) I predict in the 11th month of this calendar year, a president will be elected (or re-elected) in America.

6) I predict the cast of Jersey Shore will be intoxicated this year.

7) I predict that those people that bravely skip breakfast and lunch will be hungry by dinner.

8) I predict a new infomercial, selling a brilliant new product, will sweep the country and rival the Chia Pet, Snuggie, and Shake Weight.

9) I predict at least one sock will disappear mysteriously from your dryer.

10) I predict that by the time you’ve read these predictions, you will have laughed, rolled your eyes, or both.

 

And for my final prediction…

I predict that I will never be revered as a great prophet, even though ALL my predictions will come true.

So sayeth I.

 

Today’s Pic of the Day: Collins decided he would help me write this blog post. I hope you enjoyed it.


3 Comments

  1. Gina Carlson says:

    I always knew you had special prophet powers Jeffers!

    Like

  2. oregano46 says:

    Amusing! I enjoyed your “right-on” assessments of our future.

    Like

  3. Amee Renee says:

    OMG SO CUTE. I’m gonna die, ahhhhh. Your cat’s adorable!! wahhhhh.

    Like

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